xxtara_bbyxx

 i like when people ask me questions that have meaning.
something that really makes me think, or something that
might make me feel uncomfortable for a second. i think
those are the questions that really count. i like when i can
talk to someone  and i feel like they are truly listening to me
even if the converstation is over a text. i like talking to people
about things that make me nervous because most of the time
people end up helping me or giving me a new persepctive on
the situation or a new way to think about it. i can't really think
of one specific question at the moment, but i'll think about it.
i promise. wow i haven't written anything in 25 weeks ! i haven't
written any poems to put on deviantart either, and that makes
me sad.

i haven't done anything this week.
i don't even think i've "left my yard"
i need to get out of my house.
i need to be with my friends.
i miss erica.
i miss taylor.
i miss shayna.
mostly erica, i pretty much haven't spoken
with her since june. wow.
what a great "best friend" i have.
i'm so sick of saying she's my best friend.
she's not. she doesn't talk to me, she doesn't call
me up to hang out, and her life is consumed with
her stupid ass, dipshit of a boyfriend. yeh you know the one.
i miss shayna.
i feel like lately i can tell her anything.
but she's always with marisa, or chelsea.
i need her.
i need to be closer to her.
i know i have tay.
i will always have tay.
she is all i need.
i wish i was able to talk to her more about
"deep" things. i don't know how t describe
what i want to be able to talk to her about. just 
stuff to ramble on about like what i'm afraid of, wy
i'm so insecure, boys, she's ot good to talk to about boys
but i'm trying. i feel like my friends are the only thing that 
get me through each day. and that makes me happy because
that means i can count on them, ahh i'm feeling extremely shitty
right now but insanely happy. i'm happy but sad. i love my life but 
hate it. paradox, take that miss. mcdonough (;

goodnight.

 probably dancing.
i started dancing when i was three.
meaning i have danced for 12 years.
those 12 years dance has given
me something to focus on when i'm
stressed, or sad. in a way it let's me
let out stress by attempting to reach
that perfect shanay kick. or that perfect
move in lyrical. without dance i think
i would be a nervous wreck all the time.
being up on that stage with a couple
hundred people watching me, watching my
every move has shown me not to be so afraid
all the time. not be as shy. to just be myself.
so if my life were to end now, i think being able
to dance and be myself is the best thing
i've done (:

well it happened.
i did it.
i told him that i still liked him.
and he said he liked me a "lil bit, lol"
ahh. i hate when people use lol
and it's not funny.
whatever.
i already let it put me down.
i decided im going to just
try and hang out with him as much 
as i can this summer and see if
in the fall when he comes to the
high school something changes.


i'm ready for this summer to be different.
last summer i did nothing
i hung out with erica once.
i hung out with shayna once.
and i hung out with taylor maybe
twice. wooo. 
that's is not how it's gonna be this year.


finally, i'm done with erica.
it's hard to say but i dont even care
anymore. she hasn't talked to me,
like reeally talked to me in 
forever. and i know i can't just
forget how she was/is whatever my
best friend.  i mean she was.
she helped me through parent troubles,
silly litttle boy trouble, and so much more.
and that's going to be impossible to forget.

 

bleh. whatever.goodbye.

aha, i still like him.
he came over yesterday.
and well he's amazing.
i finally thought i was slowly
forgetting about how much i like
him , and how the fire was
burning out. but nope.
its back and roaring.


i was really glad though because
we never do anything like
that. my sister had one awesome birthday.
and we rented a moon bounce, okay.
my sister thought it was lame but you
know what. it wasn't, it was amazing.
i stayed in it nearly all day.
just laying there, talking to him.
i'd do it again in a heartbeat.


i just hope that we could actually hang
out this summer. my parents are weird, its
hard to explain and confusing, so now
is not the time to try and explain.
but i just hope so.
because i still like him
boy,  do i like him.


maybe something will happen?
it's summer baby.
who knows!

so i've put off studying long enough.
tomorrow is my math regents.
and i figured since its at 12, i will
have a few hours in the morning to study.
so i put it off until then. i need to stop
doing that. i like feeling prepared.

im deff. feeling more confident
about the math regents than the biology 
one. so for right now that's what i am 
focusing on, math.

i have been working for my dad
the past couple of days, and im 
so tired when i come home.
but he is paying me really well.


&+ i got a renaissance job!
i'm so excited.
i'm kinda nervous though, im always
shy. no matter what. i mean i'll 
eventually get over it and i'll be comfortable.

well im so tired.
im going to bed.
goodbye.
goodnight.

i'm so overwhelmed.
im so done with school.
i can't do it anymore.
im feeling a little better about the math
regents. because im doing alright
 on the practice regents packets.
bio on the other hand, im so worried
about. he gives us these practice
regents packets and they are so beyond 
hard for me. im so nervous.
im trying not the work myself up but it 
is just crazy. im hoping for an 80
in both. i would be extremely proud of 
myself with that. blah. i didn't even study
once for tomorrows bio test.
 im way too busy with my dance recital 
friday and all other homework.

so i finally found one boy i felt comfortable around.
he asked me out.
it was all good.
a week and a half later.
boom its over.

why am i always the one.
i get something good, or something good happens.
and bam its gone before i could even register
that it was happening.

i so desperately need a best friend.
i keep telling myself this and i don't
do anything. i wish i wasn't so shy 
sometimes. i want tot just say hey 
let's hangout. so that eventually it
leads to an amazing friendship. b/c
no offense guys but my cato friends
deff aren't helping me.

everything is just building up inside.
i feel sad, then happy.
then some days i just feel like
staying home in my room with my 
music. and i don't want to be like that
i want to be able to be with my friends
and be happy.

lately that's not happening.
this sucks.
im done.
goodbye.

 i haven't written in 3 weeks.
what is wrong with me?
well...
taylor cried today.
she actually cried in from of me.
i can honestly say, i've never seen her cry.
it made me think.
i am always there for my friends when their bummed out.
because i know how much i hate feeling like that.
but for once i want someone to be there for me
like i am for them.
so what.
im going to be selfish about this one thing.
i always think about others first.
and i think its time i started thinking about tara.

even the other day in track.
when i fell over the hurdle and then 
i was sucking at practicing our handoffs.
i even said to taylor i just feel like crying right now.
im not sad, mad, i just want to cry.
i think thats what makes me, tara.
i build up all these emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
and then i just break down.

i was even beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
until...
the other day i tried on a bikini for the first
time in my life.
and boy was i right.
they are not for me.
but im trying.
im sick of saying this.
im gonna do it.
im gonna look the way i want.
im sick of telling myself im going to do it.
i need to put my words into actions.
now.

i may go run.
i need my ipod.
i need to chill.
bye :)
 

 maybe famous isn't the right word but well known would be nice.
to be an amazing, well known dancer or one of the country's best instructor
or dance choreographer.

or maybe an amazing cook/baker.
something i'm passionate about.
something i love.
something different.

who knows.